 She did what she could. She poured perfume on my body beforehand to prepare for my burial. Mark 14:8 Today was not the day I expected. I cried almost all day. It started out this morning over pancakes. As I listened to worship making pancakes I was dancing and jubilant but when I sat down, right there over my pancakes the tears started to flow. Before I could even compose myself so my husband wouldn't see my tears, I started to cry even more. There over my pancakes I just felt a strong urge to pray for myself. There are a few things that are going on in my life that I just need God to intervene. As I was praying, the thought came of some prayers not being answered "yet", then I recalled the testimony of my sister-in-love Enid when she said her 2017 Mother's Day message that she had found a letter her mother wrote, a list of things she was asking God for from a few years back. What she mentioned was that by the time she passed away in 2016, many of those prayers were not answered. Yet 'til her dying day she was still believing and still praising God. So I prayed, Lord let me have that Spirit. Let me not be bitter, let me continue to believe that YOU CAN as I wait to see if YOU WILL.
Later on, as I was cleaning my office. I felt the urge to pray for my children. I was asking myself did I do enough as a mom? I have two very different boys, Samuel going to college in the Fall and my special angel, Daniel Jeremiah (DJ) who has a number of issues and will be at home with me until God chooses to take him home. I felt inadequate. I felt I should have done something different with them (not that I have a clue what that would have looked like). I felt the weight of the things I am currently facing that made me cry this morning with the weight of motherhood and not being enough. At the moment, the Holy Spirit reminded me of this verse I came across last week in Mark 14:8 and there were five words that just hit me, "SHE DID WHAT SHE COULD!" So I prayed, "Holy Spirit help me not judge myself too harshly. Let me not compare what I think other mothers are doing better than me. I did what I could yes. Take all that I have given to my children and nurture those seeds in them so they can be a blessing to all those they encounter. Yes even DJ Lord." I then continued to clean my office and attempted to do some school work (which I am still avoiding by writing this!). During a little break from schoolwork, I started to look over the notes from my day at the Propel Lead event with Christiane Caine. The question that came into my mind was the question she asked the audience. "Are you doing everything God wants you to do? She said at her age (50) she has less time going forward then what she had in the past. I'm 52 so I am in the same situation. In Practicing a Rule of Five that John Maxwell advocates to think deeply or do "evaluative reflection", I believe I have always done what I believe God wanted me to do. But some of those things didn't work out the way I had hoped. It made me question everything. It made me shut down. It made me not trust. But in my reflection, those words popped up again my spirit. Yes you did what you thought He wanted and you did what you could. I cried again. Feeling like the Holy Spirit comforted me. Just a few minutes ago, I felt a strong urge to pray for my cohort. All of us are busy people and I know I have been feeling the weight of school and finances and LIFE and then I felt like the Holy Spirit said, pray for them right here (in our FB Forum). Oh gosh really? But as I started to write, I felt the burdens. My tears flowed. I felt the Holy Spirit say, they are also doing all they can. But everyone needs divine intervention once in a while. So friends, I am not sure what you are going through right now. But God honors people who "do all they could." He knows what you can do and He knows if you are doing it. He doesn't expect any more than what you could give him. Our seasons in life change, sometimes we can do more. And sometimes, just showing up is doing all we could. Don't feel less than, inadequate, like a failure or any of the things that make you feel like you want to run and hide. You did all you could. That's enough for God and that should be enough for us. Perhaps I'll have that on my tombstone. My mother in love has "She Never Lost Her Praise." I think mine will say "She Did All She Could." |
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